I was the woman juggling everything, chasing money… yet money would go further away from me.
And the frustration that came with this was immense.
My health in 2018-19 wasn’t the best, as a intuitive coach and personal trainer at the time. things could’ve been much better. I was fit in the fact that I was very active. However, I was
- Addicted to exercise
- Drinking to mask my emotions
- And struggling with my diet
I felt I didn’t deserve anything, that I wasn’t good enough nor would I amass to anything.
So, I drank to relax, I drank to have fun, I drank to cope, I drank to hide myself…
To hide the fact I felt I wasn’t good enough and the more I manifested the same, the more I felt guilty.
My accept path to wellness is a LONG one… and a now documented one.
How did it affect my wellness and business?
The hours spent on online… SO LONG and not aware of my FOMO
This is now long gone, the dirty little secret lemonade drinker… It’s amazing how many people laugh when they hear you’ve given up alcohol. To be honest, I don’t give a sh!t. This is my life to live.
But, a bottle a night of prosecco a night (if not more) could not be seen behind closed doors
I had clients
I had the money
I felt everything was FINE…
And the more I drank, the more I had ZERO TIME for my wellness and business, let alone my body and mindset.
- It felt fun
- It felt relaxed
- It felt wrong yet ok at the same time
- I had sh!t skin
- I was 3 stone heavier
- I wasn’t getting out as much to exercise
- I wasn’t sleeping
- I couldn’t cope with my anxiety
- I put my kids to the back of the pile, even though I love them unconditionally
- I had zero boundaries
- I listened to everyone’s advice but my own
- I couldn’t get my life on track
My reality… I felt DEEP shame. This will be another blog on my journey.
I was spending £50 or more a week on my habit
After the years of… I am never going to drink again. July 27th 2019 came…
The night I drank way too much and ate a chocolate ‘brownie’ because I felt it was cool to do… that was followed by the biggest panic attack, broke down to my friends husband (screaming crying), locked myself in her bathroom, threw up in her bath and wanted prayed I wouldn’t die.
This was NO LONGER my life anymore, this was NO LONGER me anymore, and my body was screaming… STOP!!!!
The “I’m not drinking ever again.” Turned into… I don’t want to wake up like sh!t and mess up what I’ve worked for.
Getting back up by journaling all my emotions
I’d fallen to the bottom and needed to reinvent me, the me that’s always been there. The me, that can intuitively structure and help clients create the RIGHT wellness for them. To bring out the me who is deep down deliriously happy, kind and fun loving, without something to get me there. I no longer needed anything, so a guardian angel came with me to AA. Now, I didn’t think anything of AA, I certainly didn’t feel I needed to be there. However, the first few sessions I did. I heard a story just like mine, all about blaming everyone else for the worlds problems and I knew, it had to go. I could not give up drinking for long before I’d slip back in again and doing dry January wasn’t a deciding factor, so it needed to be more concrete and longer.
The art of journaling
I started journaling. Now, if you are like me… tried journaling and kept giving up. Yes, it didn’t work for me many times (the longest was 31 ish days). That was while doing personal development, in actual fact it took years for me to actually get it. And this was the time, I got it. However, it wasn’t until a week or so after the initial shock of what I was doing kicked in, that I started my first journal. A BIG shiny book.
Even reading back through this, I could see how much more angry I was. Just pent up aggression, resentment, and hostility. . I didn’t understand why and as time went on, I noticed a pattern.
- a pattern of cycling foods
- a pattern of asking for help on making decisions
- a pattern of shiny object syndrome
- a pattern of procrastination
- a pattern of health
- a pattern of money
- a pattern of LOVE
- a pattern of hate towards myself… Oooosh! So much!
Equally, there was a pattern of brimming business ideas, a pattern of flow and rest states, a pattern of happiness, a pattern of healing, a pattern of fun!!
This truly had the KEY to my stepping forward!
Everything started to come out, all the stuff I kept in my head. Everything, that’s happened to me, that I have been through. I also learned to process this in a non judgemental way and reflect on the journey so far. Life is a JOURNEY!
I realised that I need to truly listen to my body and started creating my onw life, forged new patterns and increased the better ones. This simple, yet cost effective practice has given me a new lease on life. A life to practice, truly embody being human, create the freedom and health I have always wanted.
Starting a fire
I started a fire, yes… I started a fire and stopped hiding, instead choosing to look after and face my emotions then use that energy to write and voice myself.
I identified that…
I had to STOP giving everything to everyone
I had to STOP fighting other peoples fights
I had to WALK away from people who had their own problems
I had to STOP taking on other peoples stuff as my own
I had to START using my voice
I had to START regaining confidence
I had to START building my business from scratch
I had to LOOK into parts of me I did not want to see
I had to SAY NO
I had to FORGIVE myself
I had to LEARN to love myself first before I could LOVE others
For me, giving up drinking helped my sanity and gave me a new lease on life
However, I accept I am in grieving for what was. This is OK!!! It was time to allow this out and onto paper. Then truly embody it. I became my own council. I was NOT the same FULL on anxious woman, who is struggling with EVERYTHING while smiling. I have an outlet, when I fell there isn’t one. And, there always is one. I am grateful
Who would’ve thought by journaling so much could happen, including
- Losing weight
- Losing people
- Meeting more people
- Big opportunities have opened up
- Better communication
- More sleep
- Started learning
- Turned towards fears
- Know what you want
- Creating a business
- Power through a pandemic (no watching news or being on social media too long)
- Try new things, such as.. surfing, swam in lagoons, climbing mountains
- Learn to love yourself unconditionally (we really do deep down)
- Access better health
- Reconnect with that drunk high without the hangover
And… yes, I STILL rave and danced in da club. I am HUMAN!! Life truly IS for living.
How do you start your first journal?
- Grab a notepad and a pen, this is all the equipment you need
- Work out a time that’s convenient for you – could it be before bedtime? Maybe first thing or in the afternoons
- It doesn’t need to be long – maybe start with 3 gratitude’s each day and progress depending on how you feel
- Feel the benefits – Yes, FEEL the benefits. Rather than focusing on what hasn’t happened for you. Start focusing on the great things no matter how small they may be. Small things, turn into BIG prizes.
- Make a plan – After you figure out what’s working and what isn’t in your life, business or health. Focus on what makes you happy. Ask yourself, how you can make it better? And, how can you add more of this into your life?
With my journal is now nearing day 500, it’s certainly not being put down
If you ever find yourself in this position, remember that it’s ok to ask for help when needed. People may mock, they may even try talk you out of it, think you don’t drink that much or even that it’s affecting you.
It’s your body and you know it more than the next person. If you FEEL it’s time to let go. Then do what YOU need to do.
Do you write a journal or are looking to start? Love to hear your thoughts
Body and mindset coaching – Alternative Personal Training