I have really ummed and arrr’d about typing this. Gosh, I probably deleted this over and over again.
What this is NOT… a feel sorry for me story, nor is it look at me and if this easily triggers please read my blog regarding triggering.
If this has happened to me. Then there must be other female kindred spirits this has happened to too. And what I am going to share is something quite personal. I may write about it in a book one day. But, for now. I know my words will land with someone who needs this at this time. And that this is light for those that need it,
You are not alone.
I always had a prominent memory from when I was little. That I went missing at the park and I ended up walking home down my street. I would’ve been 4 at the time. However, over the years this memory faded and I didn’t think any more of it.
Until I started my spiritual journey 4 years ago, my journey led my to a flash of a memory. I truly believe that this was divine timing because at the same time I was part of a safe women’s circle where I saw a visualisation of myself being attacked inside a house. It shocked me terribly and it was very difficult to get it out of my head.
It felt scarily real.
And out of everyone who I have asked, no one remembers or can enlighten me to the memory
Which meant, I felt personally alone within my light.
However, I was far from alone because what happened next made me realise, just how much help was out there when I allowed it through.
The universe is listening
Within the loneliness, I was invited by a beautiful friend to a 3-day EAM (Energy Alignment Method) event. This event was where I was able to start releasing the energy of this event from my body because, the body stores memory. For me, I could feel this was held in my hips and lower back (sacral and root chakras).
As I allowed the energy to leave my body, I felt in physical pain, the pain I was holding onto. This is when I cried, in fact, screamed in my car with anger, rage, torment… all from this area of my body. I could feel it coming up in waves. However, once the crying was over and the emotion subsided. The feeling was gone as if it had never been there. I felt I could breathe again and even see again. It needed out of me, it was READY and that I was in a safe space to do so.
Yet, this was not the end of my journey. In fact, it was the beginning. Because I began to see what sex was really like for me as a woman. it wasn’t a performance anymore, it was felt. It was a release of emotion and tears from traumatic memory yet joyful and playful.
That part of my life opened me up to understanding more about myself and who I am. However, my journey continued when I experienced tantric movement through goddess friend Kerry O’ Sullivan’s workshop within spiritual junkies membership. Not knowing what to expect. I threw myself into the deep end. As it was online, I turned off my camera and sound. I wanted to feel private and safe in my own home and it was. I cannot explain the feeling of sexual energy, you have to feel it for yourself. All I can say is that it was frightening (because it was new) yet strangely comforting. I felt safe and trusted in Kerry.
Her workshop consisted of movement and breathwork, breathing through the heart and through our sexual organs. Moving and breathing in a circle. For me, this was the most profound moment and this took me by surprise as it rose from within my sacral chakra to my throat chakra and then my voice broke with a whisper…
All I wanted to articulate within the past memory.
‘Help me! Help me!’ I felt floods of tears awash in me. And I knew this is what I wanted to say for all that time. I trusted to keep going as the ‘help me’ got louder…
And then… it dispersed
I felt energised, I felt sensual, I felt me aI was left with a euphoric feeling of being energised, sensual and me again.
I had (what I felt) reclaimed my power back.
Since then I purchased one of Kerry’s programs, a program that helps me tune into myself sexually. Every time action the tasks. I come alive. The practices are simple and gift a closer connection in my relationships.
Why am I writing something so personal?
I am writing this because these beautiful women have not only helped me become more aware of my sexuality. Through their knowledge and my own intuition, they have helped me face my fears. And while this is still deep learning for me…
This is a world away from the sex education I was brought up with
This is a world away from how we as women/men have been taught to please others
This is a world away from the shame that is still laid upon many of us
This is the TABOO that has been hidden from many of us, not just us women but men too.
I have not written this to trigger, yet to share something that may…
a. Help someone, try and understand themselves
b. Shine a light on the great works of growing collective communities helping us with our sexuality
c. Open up the conversation around sex not just for us, but for our sons and daughters
You can find Kerry O’Sullivan here
You can find a clip of Kerry’s powerful work on the Channel 4 program Sex Actually here (it is age restricted):