Learning to face deep rooted anxiety is not for everyone

I felt so scared and alone recently

It brought up feelings of being attacked, punished by people feeling I was being unkind to others.

It brought up feelings of being judged, humiliated and ridiculed for not ‘doing our part’ or ‘not being like everyone else.’

I also at the same time recognise those feelings in myself too.

I wouldn’t suggest facing anxiety if you haven’t before. This is what I needed to do for myself and my healing path.

To go, to go to where I needed to and then to cry out these feelings in my car.

Because these feelings are real, they are painful hence I shy/runaway from them however they are liberating me from years of holding on.

I know there will be some times where I will freeze and do absolutely nothing. But, others I know I am READY to move.

This was the day.

Why do I do this?

I wasn’t following a narrative for the right reasons. I felt guilted and shamed into doing so. Which my inner self sees as a no-no. It is the shame and guilt that keeps me from facing those feelings. Instead, I decided it was time to face those feelings and make choices that empower not devour our inner sanctum. As soon as I went to where I needed to go, I felt the need to fit in, I felt instantly uncomfortable.

My nervous system racing… ‘turn away’ my thoughts said

‘No, trust you are safe’ my inner self said

It was time to feel this emotion. My inner self was ready. I have the friends and the resources for this one. I knew this deep down.

What was I facing?

I was facing a trigger. A memory on repeat, past lives, hurt… and it triggered a fear

One that kept repeating in different scenarios, from…

Posting on social media

Creating videos

Speaking my truth to people

Or, just simply being me and having an opinion

What do I do for now?

Take those small and consistent steps forward and input a delicious load of self care.

Make sure I have time for myself and time for my nervous system (otherwise she is always on high alert)

Take the time to rest and I mean… do nothing

Allowing the tears to flow if needed

Speaking to supportive and wonderful (likeminded) friends

I know when I feel anxiety arises I become less smiley, put my head down, be more angst, can be very standoffish and be a little rude too.

This is how my fear can appear as a behaviour.

However, I have made a choice to spread shine the light on the dark by noticing this fear and spreading love to it and others. Because, deep down I want to, by lifting my head, smiling at others, even chatting to them about their day. Reinforcing and reconnecting with the fact that I am kind and loving to others no matter what and without needing to please others.

This is me and my life.

Trina xx

Happy Solstice

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