Thank you for taking the time to read this blog.
There was a time I was standing outside in the rain reflecting. My car had broken down, I was shattered and full of a cold. However, at the same time weirdly peaceful. Taking in relaxation and clarity between the franticness that is life.
We could go into a panic or go bat sh!t crazy, but it just was not happening.
At this point, I instantly remember that I am in a first world country, I have money on my person and can get fuel from the next fueling station if we walk… YES, I ran out of fuel. It was my own fault too… I was playing the ‘fuel tank’ game.
You know, the game where you see how far you can go on a super low amount of fuel and make it to the nearest fuel station before it runs out. Or in my case… finding the ‘cheapest’ fuelling station.
Did I mention I was with my son, without a phone and in the middle of the countryside next to a busy road? However, as irresponsible as it sounds. I know the area and have broken down in other countries, so this wasn’t new to me.
Fortunately, for us, our car stopped in a layby… just. I had to do a bottom shuffle to get it to roll into space as all the electrics died.
Yet, this is my own personal fault.
I have played this game WAY too often.
As it was VERY windy and raining, I was very pleased to find a brolly and jumper to wear for this walk… roughly 20 minutes each way. I had to channel my inner PT, marching along the busy road towards the fueling station. Grab the last fueling can and fill it up to the brim before marching back. My mind is saying… that’s an extra £6.99 I did not want to spend. But, my inner self chips in and says… you have a fuelling can for your car when you need it.
Marching back I start to smell… petrol.
My son (almost being dragged away by the wind).. shouts…
“Mummy! I can see the petrol dripping all over the road!”
I look down and see… petrol is not just spraying on the road and the pavement… but… me!
Ok… do not panic…
Brain… Let’s panic! What if… someone throws a match from the car???
Inner self… and what if they do not, you will be fine.
And do you know what??? We were fine.
We made it back to the car in the torrential rain and started filling up… except that petrol was spilling everywhere… pouring out.
Yes, I’d have lit up like a bonfire should there have been a lighter. Luckily my son hadn’t any on him. I started to let a little panic creep in… more of the fact that I may not ‘have enough’ fuel in the car to get to the fuelling station.
‘Just trust, Trina’
Brrrr…. that sweet engine sound when the car starts up. Yes… no to the fuelling station to fill up.
After filling, I went to pay and spoke to the owner of the filling station and told him what happened. He said… ‘Do you know that can mess up your engine?’ ‘Especially if you keep driving it like that, that crap from the bottom of the tank goes into the engine.’
As much as my brain would relish being triggered thinking who does he think he is to tell me what I ‘should’ be doing?? I instinctively knew he was right. It is time to fill it full and stop god damn living my life as if ‘I am not enough’ but instead… ‘I am MORE than enough.’ That means my car has MORE than enough fuel. Like my fridge has MORE than enough food… STILL with little wastage the food I buy extra is cooked, frozen or lasts until the next week.
Here’s the deal with operating in lack…
We chase after the cheapest option, like the fuel. It was 2p per litre more at the closest petrol station to me. I was worried about money when I had MONEY! And I spent more on a petrol can than the difference!
Yet, I am so glad I broke down… YES… you read right. I am GLAD I broke down. It taught me that I was not treating myself as if I was enough. That I deserved to have fuel in my car, that I did not need to be driving around with running on extra anxiety praying my car would not run out of fuel. This is NOT how I treat myself when I eat so why was I treating my car this way?
Conditioning.
The trigger, not knowing where the next bit of money is coming from. We can treat food just the same. With money, we hold onto it, opt for the cheapest thing. With food, we devour it… eat until we are more than full because we do not know where our next meal is coming from…
Eat it ALL up
Or
Do not spend it all at once
Do you hear this?
And there I was, holding onto my money for fuel that was 2p less at another station.
When life catches up… learning a lesson
Oh my, we do learn in various ways. The universe loves to show us something, shine it in our eyes to see it.
And yes, it may not feel like the best moment or the best way to share it.
It is showing us what we want through what we do not want…
I want and enjoy a smooth running car
I want my car to last a long time
My car is always filled up with fuel
My car never goes hungry
Have you ever played the low fuel game?
Trina xx
Trina Kavanagh - Writer | Creative | Healer 