For three years (between 2015-18) this was how I’d introduce myself. You see, I had lost all sense of my own self-worth. I felt disgusted with my self-image.
I write this today as a different person from who I was back then.
The words that permeated my head were what another PT said…
‘You can’t be a PT looking the way you do if you look like you’ve eaten all the cookies’
My 3rd pregnancy was marred with beauty and self-loathing. After giving birth (3rd c section), I was done. Extra scarring had been removed and two weeks after couldn’t move from my own bed. My abs were completely shot. Instead, opting for fireman’s lifts. No, bounce back, like it seemed on Facebook. On top of this, struggling with my new body and the underlying pressure I put on myself to lose the weight.
At the same time, I had a voice… Take your time, like you would tell your clients too. What would you tell those women in your position after a baby?
I felt, the industry I was in had a different take. But, I was consumed by the opinion that I wasn’t a great PT if I was overweight. These were the words that I felt triggered by over and over.
Instead of overcoming them. I pushed too hard, physically (almost prolapsing) and emotionally (verging on psychosis) to try and conform, to be able to run my business, as I was. Without the pressure I gave myself.
Over time, I turned to food, alcohol and over-exercise. Not realising that they were a substitute for love and protection. They always treated me good and didn’t control me. I sank into a never-ending cycle (or so I thought)….
My dirty little secret…
I wanted to try something new during those dark days and joined a group of PTs… however, it was too upsetting to hear them discussing the weight of others in the industry arena.
It triggered me… I was a PT… sure I was overweight, that was not an issue for me.
The issue for me… I was NOT healthy. I desperately wanted to be healthy. I wanted them to go away, so I cut the group off.
And here I was talking about being ‘your best self and healthy’
Then one day, in 2018 I introduced myself with…
‘I am a PT even though I do not look like it.’ to a lovely nurse (don’t know who she was).
She paused and said… ‘Do not put yourself down like this. I wouldn’t have thought you weren’t a PT. Give yourself credit.’
Ooooosh!! I didn’t feel empowered to own who I was anymore. My self esteem and confidence has dropped. For a long time I felt less than.
However, those words were enough to empower myself to stop saying that sentence.
Yet, I still kept asking the universe…
‘I just want to feel better…’
With my alcohol consumption and spending spiralling out of control, eating to excess, my skin, my health, my mojo just all suffered s a result and all I could think about was, what others were saying.
There was a heavy disconnect between what I was teaching and what I was actually doing. I knew it and I felt powerless to stop my own destruction.
I needed to actually doing something about it and listen to my triggers but, instead I was ignoring them and burying my head in the sand.
We are human! I am human! I was too god damn scared to make changes…
Changes meant I would not fit in anymore, then I would lose people I had gained.
The time I had to let go of my dirty little secret
In 2018, I gave up classes and delved into the psychology of eating, along with what I had learned about helping people rehabilitate themselves through movement, I started to put a few practices together.
But, the thing I had to REALLY learn… was about me… I felt ashamed.
I was in the health industry and as I said I wasn’t healthy really.
- I didn’t want to drink anymore… I romantisised about giving up
- I didn’t want to eat to excess… I was tired and felt something wasn’t right
- I didn’t want to live in pain… I was in physical, emotional and soon to realise spiritual agony
- I wanted to be FREE of this
This meant I had to let go and strip back my life… including the drink I used to relax and fit in, then start healing from the inside/out. It was a tough process! Simple, yet… tough.
Change is simple… yet, I had to fight for it
I DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE… there were fights with my inner self but I had had enough of pretending and playing up for everyone. I had had enough of not showing up for myself. I was tired mentally but I had to gain strength to love myself again…
And guess where love was not…
- In a bottle
- Certain foods that created havoc in my body
- With people who wanted me to still live in those behaviours
- And spending too much time in areas that did not serve me.
I had the startling discovery, I could have health was on my terms and it could be abundant, fun, creative, unique and sexy.
The fast forward
Fast forward to today. Today, as I look back, as a Intuitive Mind and Body Coach and look at the ride I have been on. As much as I would love to blame industry, I realise it took all owness and empowerment from me.
All those instances in the past make me the person I am today. Therefore, thank those people who said what they did (I wish no animosity), the triggers helped me understand that I was meant to be in that position.
Functioning but not functioning inside.
Instead I am more than functioning inside… I feel good and it shines inside/out.
I am personally learned to love myself again. Starting with shifting other people’s opinions, turning teetotal and letting go of my relationship with food.
Has meant I have grown a global audience, write for big publications, become a celebrity interviewer, take on new clients and teach them how to FEEL into their high vibrational health to transform life and business.
It is a daily job, not to be consumed all at once.
I am truly grateful that I have no need to hide me and my words. That. I am proud of who I am and wish the best for everyone.
If you are reading this. Thank you for taking the time out. I hope you find the clarity, focus and direction you desire. One step at a time.
Trina xx
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Trina Kavanagh - Writer | Creative | Healer 